- For the first season episode where House gives a lecture to medical students, see Three Stories.
- Colleen: "They’re morons."
- House: "Agreed."
- Colleen: "No, not the patients, the kids. It doesn’t matter how you stole it, what matters is “Why?”"
- — Two Stories
"Two Stories" is a 7th season episode of House which first aired on February 21, 2011. It was directed by Greg Yaitanes. Cuddy's attraction to House has worn a bit thin and when he behaves as usual Cuddy tells him she's fed up with his selfishness. In an attempt to do a good deed, House agrees to attend a career day at an exclusive private school and proceeds to tell various medical stories of questionable accuracy to the children. In the process, House also pokes fun at various cultural references, such as the movie "A Few Good Men" and "Pulp Fiction." However, the experience for everyone involved soon starts to resemble a disaster movie of epic proportions. House winds up in the principal’s office with a young couple who want to know about why House’s relationship with Cuddy is suffering. However, despite the disaster at career day, House comes out of it with a new appreciation for how important Cuddy is to him. In the middle of all this, the team tries to treat a patient with increasingly severe breathing problems and are hampered by House’s distraction with his relationship problems.
Two young people are awkwardly trying to kiss when one of the teachers tells them to come with her. They find themselves in the principal’s office, where they see House sitting on the detention bench as well.
The scene goes back to three days earlier, where Foreman and House burst in on some university students. House tells them the laptop he has is password protected and he needs them to hack it. Foreman does an environmental scan while House tells them their roommate is very sick. House grabs a sip of one student’s drink. When the student stars complaining, House takes a gun and shoots one of the roommates. He then points the gun back at the student who was complaining.
The scene shifts to a time two hours before the detention hall. It turns out House was describing the shooting to a room full of incredulous students at Career Day. One of the students thinks he’s lying, but House tells him to prove it. The student comes up with a few good points, one of which is the scene House described is straight out of “Pulp Fiction”.
Back at the detention hall, House is telling the students he had no idea who called him out. They think House is there to complain about the student, but he says he would never snitch and he’s trying to dig himself out of a hole, but found himself digging a bigger hole. Neither side wants to tell the other what trouble they’re in, but House notices the female student’s black eye. He realizes it’s a few days old. The male student says he will tell House about the black eye if House agrees to tell them why he’s there.
House starts telling them about the Career Day presentation again. He’s admitting to the student’s he didn’t want to be there, so he tried to make his story more interesting. He also tells the students that doctors almost always search patients homes - they don’t tell them so they won’t hide things. When a student asks why patient’s would hide things, House says it’s because patients are morons and everybody lies. Another student points out that if everyone lies, House must be lying. House says not everyone lies all the time. House tries to wrap it up when the teacher calls him Dr. Hourani and asks him to describe what he actually does during a routine physical.
House describes a clinic patient who complains that her vagina is numb. He asks her how often she uses her vibrator. The teacher cuts him off, and asks him to describe his typical day, but House says he never sees more than one patient a day. The teacher wants to move on, but one of the students asks what he does the rest of the day. The teacher presses for an answer.
House starts talking about his relationship with Cuddy and asking her for sex. He follows Cuddy to her office, but she says she’s busy. House wants her to make time for him in her schedule again. When he puts his hand on her phone to keep her from dialing out, she slams the receiver on his hand and calls him the most selfish, self-centered son-of-a-bitch on the planet and tells him she can’t deal with him anymore.
House thinks he is done with career day, but one of the students asks what a vibrator is.
Back at the principal’s office, the girl asks why Cuddy was so mad. House thinks the reason doesn’t help the story, but she says it’s the only part of the story that matters. He wants to know about her black eye, but she wants to know what the problem with Cuddy is if it isn’t “kissing”. House clams up, and the boy finally admits they were busted for kissing behind the school. House still wants to know about the black eye, and when the girl says they didn’t actually kiss, House accuses her of being a tease. She denies it, but House says the evidence points to the opposite conclusion. He says he wants to hear their story now.
The kids tell about being in the play yard two days before where the girl publicly goes up to the boy and tells him she would never kiss him. The boy admits that happened, and the girl says that proves she isn’t a tease. She still wants to know why Cuddy is mad at him.
House starts describing the roommate‘s case. He’s complaining to the team about trouble breathing and chest pain. Chase and Taub are hitting on the nurse. The patient starts coughing up blood. Masters says they need a chest CT scan, but Foreman pulls rank and says no tests get done unless he as senior fellow approves them. Masters tells Chase and Foreman they can’t sexually harass the nurse and goes to tell Cuddy. Foreman finally orders the CT.
However, it’s just another story House was telling the class. They ask whether what Chase and Taub was doing was sexual harassment, but he tells them it’s okay if you’re good looking. One student says that Taub was short with a big nose, but House says that’s not the only thing that must be big. He thinks House is lying again, but when House tells him he can’t handle the truth, the other student says it’s obviously “A Few Good Men”. The teacher finally gives up on House and moves on to an ad man. The students want to know what happened to the patient. The teacher is about to give in when House admits the patient is dead. However, the students think he’s lying again and keeps pressing. The teacher asks “Hourani” to finish quickly.
The roommate is obviously in distress and the doctors think he much have a bacterial strain that’s resistant to antibiotics. He coughs up what appears to be his lung. House insists it really happened. He tells the students he only works on one patient at a time and only cases where other doctors can’t figure out what is wrong. The roommate is in the hospital right now.
He tells them about Masters asking how that was even possible. The team has ruled out infection and cancer. House is still obsessing about Cuddy’s password protected laptop. Masters tells them about the patient and his roommates working on new computer chips and suggests a toxic solvent. House realizes he needs to do an environmental scan and volunteers to help. However, he orders a lung biopsy for sarcoidosis.
The students realize that the computer is Cuddy’s. House makes a reference to “Ghostbusters”. They think Cuddy is mad because House looked through her computer, but he tells them Cuddy was already mad and he was trying to fix things. One of the other guests calls House a moron.
House starts describing how they got Cuddy’s laptop, but a student says the scene is straight out of “Thunderbolt & Lightfoot”. He pegs the next one from “The Thomas Crown Affair”. The ad man wants to speak and House is willing to let him, but the students protest.
Back in the principal’s office, the girl says it doesn’t matter how he stole the computer, she wants to know why. Apparently, Wilson asked the same question. House says he knows why Cuddy is mad, but he needs to find out how to make her un-mad by reading her personal journal. He admits she’s mad simply because he was acting the way he usually does. He needs to do something big to make it better. Wilson starts giving House possible passwords, but they don’t work. Foreman comes in with the roommate’s case, and House tells him to figure it out - he’s busy.
The students don’t believe that House didn’t work on the case. He tells them that patients die every day and not all of them are interesting.
Back in the principal’s office, the girl is still pressing him. House tells her Cuddy is mad because she’s genetically predisposed to making a big deal of things. The girl says that she takes that to mean Cuddy is mad because she’s a girl. House figures the girl is mad at him too, but the boy says she’s not like that. House reminds him of what she said, but the boy says he knew she didn’t mean it.
They describe another scene in the play yard when they are jumping rope together. He wins and there was bet involved - he asks for a kiss. He believes she deliberately lost to make it look like she didn‘t want to kiss him so her friends wouldn‘t tease her. However, she says didn’t think she was going to lose. She starts pressing again about why Cuddy was so mad.
He tells her that he was at Cuddy’s getting ready to leave. She asks him to take out the garbage, but he complains his leg hurts too much. She starts her yoga and hears Rachel Cuddy calling for her. House then admits he left the toilet seat up, used Cuddy’s toothbrush and just left a mess lying around. The girl thinks that’s gross and that Cuddy is mad he doesn’t listen. He then tells her that Cuddy was upset about it because he destroys the toothbrush when he uses it and Cuddy keeps insisting he use the toothbrush he bought for her. The girl realizes he only listens to Cuddy to tell her that she’s wrong. House tells her that no one else at the hospital stands up to Cuddy because she’s the boss. They finally tell House how she got the black eye. They were playing floor hockey and he hit her in the eye with the puck. The girl presses about the laptop.
Dr. Hourani finds House at his desk working on Cuddy’s laptop. House finally breaks into Cuddy’s journal. Hourani throws House out of his office and takes back his office key. House compliments Hourani’s wife as he leaves and after a moment, Hourani realizes House has been going through his things and has found an erotic photo of her.
The cat is out of the bag at Career Day because the class thought House was Dr. Hourani. The two kids realize that’s why House is in the principal’s office. Foreman calls House and tells him that the patient tested negative for sarcoidosis. House wants him to treat for it anyway. The boy wants to know why House was using Hourani’s name, but the girl wants to know about the journal. The boy is sceptical it’s about the toothbrush and garbage, but House tells them he went back and Cuddy wouldn’t let him in because of it. Cuddy tells House he’s always right and always has to be right, but House doesn’t understand why that’s a problem. She wants him to care about what other people want, and accuses him of not caring about her.
The girl repeats that his problem is that he doesn’t listen to Cuddy. The boy wants to know what he did to make it right. House tells them Cuddy wanted to get Rachel into the very school they‘re in, but couldn’t unless she found an “in”. House knew Sanford Wells was also on the board of the school and asks on Cuddy’s behalf, knowing she never would because she’s too ethical to use her connections like that. Wells asks him for a favor.
Meanwhile, House is still insisting the roommate has sarcoidosis. However, while he’s talking on the cell phone and driving, he runs into the ad man’s car. House identifies himself as Hourani. He explains to the kids that the accident was no more than 20% his fault.
Back in the classroom, House is still trying to claim he’s Hourani, but the students aren’t buying it, and the ad man comes to look at his identification. They get into a fight when the teacher who caught the students kissing comes in to restore order.
The boy wonders why House hasn’t taken off. He thinks that Cuddy is going to find out somehow. The boy insists he would be taking off, but the girl contradicts him. She tells House that the day before, he couldn’t go through with the kiss and he admitted cheating on the jump rope bet. She tells House to stop playing games with Cuddy. The tells House that the girl may be bossy, but she’s usually right. The principal comes to the office.
The principal asks House if he’s insane or stupid. He asks for another option, but she won’t give him one. He admits he was only thinking of himself. The principal has spoken to Wells and knows about Cuddy. She tells him that the ad man has probably already called the police about him. House asks her to let Rachel into the pre-school, but the principal still thinks that House is doing this to help himself. The principal assures House that she knows what it’s like to need somebody, but that she also knows what it’s like to be responsible and that House had better grow up. House sees a copy of “The Princess and the Pea” and realizes something. He asks to be excused.
He goes back to the roommate and tells him it’s food - small enough to go down the wrong pipe but too big to be washed out in a bronchial lavage. It wouldn’t show up on scans or respond to treatment. House schedules exploratory surgery. He thinks the patient inhaled a pea.
House goes to see Cuddy to apologize. Cuddy says he should be apologizing to Wells. House says he was trying to look out after Cuddy and Rachel’s needs. Cuddy points out he tossed her computer in the trash, but House said he put it in the trash knowing the janitor would find and return it. He asks for another chance. He admits he was himself at the career day. He goes to leave, but she invites him for dinner. He’s brought his own toothbrush.
- House attends a career day under the name of "Dr. Hourani"
- House parodies popular films such as "Pulp Fiction", "Thunderbolt & Lightfoot", "Ghostbusters", "Thomas Crown Affair" and "A Few Good Men"
- House tells about an exaggerated version of Taub, Chase, Foreman and Masters
- For unknown reasons, Cuddy is mad with House
- The environment of this episode is similar to the episode "Three Stories"
- House blows his cover when he reveals that he isn't "Dr. Hourani"
- Sanford Wells reappears in this episode
- It's discovered that House went into the school in order to request an acceptance for Rachel Cuddy.
- House's driver's license shows his birthday as 5/15/1959, flatly contradicting No Reason, which gives his birthday as 6/11/1959, Hugh Laurie's real birthday. This is rather common on long-running shows. For instance, in Magnum, PI, Magnum's birthday is seen in several episodes and was never the same twice, and his birth year is frequently changed to conform to the needs of episodes in which his age is an issue or plot point. On House, however, 1959 remains consistent. This date is also shown as House’s birthday on scans shown in After Hours.
Trivia & Cultural ReferencesEdit
- Pulp Fiction is a 1994 film directed by Quentin Tarantino about the lives of several groups of criminals that intersect over the course of a given day.
- House's pistol is the M1911 .45 ACP semi-automatic pistol, nickel-plated similarly to the one used by John Travolta's character in Pulp Fiction (Samuel L. Jackson's character used a 9mm Luger).
- The boy character is named after the 12th president of the United States.
- A Few Good Men is a 1992 film directed by Rob Reiner about a Navy lawyer defending two enlisted men who were involved in the death of a fellow soldier.
- Ghostbusters is a 1984 film about a group of paranormal investigators who eliminate paranormal phenomena in New York City. It was the most financially successful comedy film ever made to that point.
- Thunderbolt and Lightfoot is a 1974 film directed by Michael Cimino about a small-time criminal who meets a bank robber and, to settle a dispute, they attempt to rob a bank together.
- The cannon in the office break-in sequence is an Oerlikon 20mm anti aircraft gun, nearly identical to the one used in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (House's lacks an ammunition drum).
- The Thomas Crown Affair was a 1968 film directed by Norman Jewison starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway about a multi-millionaire who directs a bank robbery to break up the banality of his life.
- Cinderfella is a 1960 comedy directed by Frank Tashin and starring Jerry Lewis reversing the male and female roles of the “Cinderella” story.
- The Princess and the Pea is a fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen about a woman whose royal birth is proved by her sensitivity to a pea buried under a pile of mattresses.
- House calls Dave the ad man as "Don." This is a reference to "Mad Men," the popular TV series.
- House's reference to a "tossed salad" for lunch with Cuddy refers to 
- House refers to the children ratting him out as "Those meddling kids!" This is a reference to what villians usually say to Scooby-Doo and his gang after they, say, reveal he is a fake.
- Hugh Laurie as Gregory House
- Lisa Edelstein as Lisa Cuddy
- Omar Epps as Eric Foreman
- Robert Sean Leonard as James Wilson
- Peter Jacobson as Chris Taub
- Jesse Spencer as Robert Chase
- Olivia Wilde as Remy Hadley
- Amber Tamblyn as Martha M. Masters
- Austin Michael Coleman as Zachary Taylor
- Brittany Ishibashi as Ms. Corwin
- Erika Alexander as Ms. Fields
- Maurice Godin as Lawrence Hourani
- Tracy Vilar as Nurse Regina
- Haley Pullos as Colleen
- Logan Arens as Gabe
- Michael Chey as Alex
- Tiffany Espensen as Sophie
- Matthew Haddad as Timmy Morgan
- Nigel Gibbs as Sanford Wells
- Joyce Greenleaf as Ms. Washburn
- The Colbert Sisters as Rachel Cuddy
- Jared Hillman as Brett
- Gwen Mihok as Carmen
- Jarret Wright as Dave Dryden
- Suzy Cote as Female Lawyer
- Aubrey Manning as Receptionist
- Victoria Hoffman as Mother
- Jack David Frank as Teenage Son
- Cameran Surles as Worried Patient
- Willis Chung as Phillip Wright
- Sheena Zadeh as Cute Nurse
- Doug Locke as Roger
- Bobbin Bergstrom as Nurse
- David DiBrienza as Marine
- Kelly Sarah as Patient
- Episode page at IMDB
- Episode review at Blogcritics
- Episode page at House MD Guide
- Episode page at TV.com
- Episode promos at Fanpop
- Episode page at The House of Fan
- Episode transcript at Clinic Duty
| Previous episode:|
You Must Remember This
| Next episode:|