Generic is the nTH season episode of House which airs every time the series is aired anywhere on the planet, particularly on NETFLIX(TM).
This article is intended to be entirely humorous, but, of course, in satire there is truth. Please feel free to enjoy it if you don't have the time to read every article. Also, please feel free to add to it.
Two people are engaging in an intensely physical activity. One starts to look a little tired, but merely sits down, only to have the other, who was fine just a moment ago, collapse in a heap on the floor after having a seizure.
The patient is taken to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, which is apparently at a temporal nexus of every known disease in the universe. The emergency room rules out everything it could be, but the patient continues to get worse.
Cuddy brings the case to House. House makes his standard sexist remark about her low cut blouse and how big her butt is. He starts reeling off diagnoses, which Cuddy soon shoots down as having been tested for already in the ER. House is still uninterested until Cuddy mentions that along with the seizures, the patient has a rash that looks like poison ivy. He grabs the file and goes to see his team.
Cameron thinks it is an infection. Foreman thinks its Lupus. House thinks it is an atypical presentation of an autoimmune disorder like vasculitis and orders steroids. Chase agrees with him. Foreman points out that giving a patient steroids when they have an infection will kill them. House orders the steroids anyway and tells Foreman and Chase to do an environmental scan. Cameron gives the patient steroids and bonds with the patient.
House goes to see Wilson about his woman problems. It really doesn't matter who has the woman problems at this point, only that one of them does.
Foreman and Chase do the environmental scan but find nothing more harmful than moldy bread in the refrigerator.
Foreman goes to Cuddy and tells her that House is giving a patient steroids without confirming the autoimmune condition. Cuddy confronts House and tells him he can't just give people medicine on a hunch. She goes to stop the steroids, only to find the patient improving.
However, an hour later, the symptoms are worse than ever, the patient is bleeding from the rash, and the patient's toes are turning green. The Patient then Crashes. House admits it isn't an autoimmune condition and stops the steroids.
The patient stabilizes, but they are back to square one. House spends hours of seeemingly valuable time throwing a rubber bounce ball against a wall or doing a trick of some form involving his cane and "that" tennis ball until he remembers something from an obscure medical journal published only in Togo in Hungarian how green toes can be caused by lesions in the brain. He orders an MRI.
Foreman and Chase do the MRI on the patient's brain. They talk about the state of Chase's relationship with Cameron. They don't find any lesions, but they spot that the patient's brain shows signs of inflammation. Foreman reports the result to House, telling him he was right in the first place about the infection. House asks why the patient doesn't have a fever. Foreman puts him on antibiotics anyway.
House goes to eat Wilson's bag lunch of lobster thermadore with bernaise sauce and glazed carrots, mistaking it for the baloney sandwich he packed. He thinks about the patient but can't come up with any ideas. Cuddy tells him to go do his clinic duty.
House tells the clinic patient that although he only has a cold, he should really have someone audit the books of his business as the woman with the red hair in his office is embezzling. Suddenly he thinks of something completely unrelated to whatever is happening and limps out of the clinic, making sure to do a dramatic stare first. This something explains everything everytime, without exception.
He tells the team that he thinks the patient has a disease he can only have contracted if he spent ten years in the Himalayas - Tibetan Llama Parasites. The treatment for it is dangerous if he doesn't have the disease. The patient denies ever having been in the Himalayas and refuses the treatment. House then makes a metaphor comparing the disease to a Volkswagen and Tibetan Llama Parasites to popes, declaring that you would have to take the hats off a pope to fit him into the Volkswagen. The patient's relative punches House for mocking popes. Then House asks if the patient or the relatives have had an affair. They both lie and then House pulls down the patient's pants and finds Tibetan Llama Rash, a horrible rash between the buttocks caused by having an affair with someone.
House goes back to his office and Chase comes in to commiserate. Offhand, Chase mentions that he saw a stuffed Yeti in the patient's house. House goes to confront the patient, who admits to being in the Himalayas after all. He lied about it so he wouldn't have to talk to Cameron about her experience with Buddhism. They start the treatment and the patient recovers.
House and Wilson go to the monster truck rally after work.
Trivia and Cultural ReferencesEdit
- Obscure reference to Sherlock Holmes without actually mentioning him
- Sexist remark about Salma Hayek
- Obligatory poking of Bryan Singer by giving a spoiler to The Usual Suspects
- Reference to another television show or movie that the actor appeared in.
- Note that House's obsession about the case is just like hte plot of Moby-Dick
- Ecclectic choice of music for the soundtrack, usually chosen and/or performed by Hugh Laurie
Zebra Factor 11/10 Edit
Tibetan Llama Parasites don't even exist! However, this usually is no reason to exclude them as a diagnosis. After all, it's not like the first time they've moved symptoms and diseases around to fit plot points.
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- Obscure British comic actor as Grumpy old doctor
- Former party girl as The head honcho
- Talented African-American actor as Grumpy young doctor
- Established Broadway actor as All-American boy
- Former supermodel as Doctor who looks like former supermodel
- Hunky Australian guy as Himbo doctor
- Short Jewish guy as Short Jewish doctor
- Current supermodel as Hot, smart doctor
- Funny Indian guy as Reckless doctor
- Former high fashion model as Old money doctor
- Quirky Asian woman as Character who actually resembles real doctor
- Popular actress being stunt-cast as Student who wears really short skirts
- Actual registered nurse as Nurse
It's a TV show... Duh! Not a documenmtary.